Letter 1 - Feb. 16,2022

 Hi Dad, 

Since you died, I have had some trouble processing...well...everything. You were my person. I talked to you about everything. You, dear, were my best friend. I have heard from lots of people who have lost people they love, that writing them letters helps. So here I am. Writing to you. 

I miss you terribly. I am hoping that eventually I'll be able to type these without tears running down my face, but I am not there yet. For the last four months, since the morning you left us, tears have been freely falling from eyes with just the slightest thought of you. And I think of you all the time. Maybe, with time, I'll no longer need to write out my feelings because my heart and my brain with start to work together again but for now, since my heart is so thoroughly broken, I will share with you everything I need to or want to right here on this page. If anyone reads this, maybe they can find help or comfort in knowing that there is someone else out here whose trying, like them, to move past catastrophic loss. You would have wanted me to help if I could. I have tried, over the last several months to keep up the work you taught me my whole life to do - to help. To show kindness. To do good. I often wonder if you are proud of the things you are seeing from up there. I sure hope you are. I know there are parts of my life that have to be a disappointment to you but I hope the good outweighs the bad. While you were alive, disappointing you was a real fear of mine. That has not changed in death. I will always be your child and always want to make you proud.

 Conley is doing well. He misses you and sometimes, when something reminds him of you he has to take a minute to pull himself together. He has never liked seeing anyone sad or feeling sadness in anyway. I think him seeing me cry has been the hardest part of this for him. He tends to avoid his feelings but I never seem to be able to. He is so smart, Dad. Literal years ahead in school and reading all the time. He is growing like a weed and is on track to be taller than me and Berry. There is a picture of you and him on his bookshelf and he looks at it everyday. You'd be so proud of him and the way he is taking care of me and Mom. Thank you for helping Berry and I raise him. Thank you for being his best friend for the first six years of his life. I don't think I ever thanked you for that - I should have. 

Speaking of proud, us kids are all sticking together and taking care of Mom just like you would want us to do. I know you were worried about that before you went, but we've got her Dad. She misses you but we're keeping her company often. John has taken his place at the patriarch brilliantly. You raised fine men, Dad. Tim and Robert are helping with the house and the car. I make sure Mom gets some hot meals during the week and I take her shopping and get her out of the house. Teresa keeps her company and writes her letters to occupy her time. We're holding on to each other. Whenever I am with my siblings, I seem to somehow miss you a tiny bit less because being with them feels like being with you in some way. I am always reminded just how lucky I am to be a member of this family. The family you made. 

I love you Dad. I keep waiting for it to hurt less but it doesn't. Stay close to me, okay? 

All My Love, 

Your Little Girl